The legitimate front

Cheerleaders gone wild

2007-02-04T18:13:00.001Z

I particularly like the one with the big paper circle.

Movies I am excited about: 9

2007-01-30T22:15:00.000Z

Grindhouse is by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, so it will at least look achingly stylish and include lashings of ultra-violence.

Fuck it, give me Dreamgirls any day.

Ahem.

Biel's rack

2007-01-23T20:11:00.000Z

Mr Diddy, I entirely concur.

London Underground

2007-01-21T21:59:00.001Z

Sofie loves this shit. It's not suitable for work by the way.

Bellamy is a midget

2007-01-15T16:53:00.000Z

Apparently Crouch isn't even jumping.

Gulp!

2007-01-13T19:00:00.000Z

I'm just putting this up for Paulo's pleasure. Next time at Lucky Voice baby. Next time.

That would make a great coat.

2007-01-13T17:40:00.000Z

I was going to write about how those pesky North Koreans wanted to learn these legendary bunny breeding techniques in order to feed their starving population. Instead I'll just leave you with a picture of my main man Robert the rabbit.

I want one.

Charmin'

2007-01-13T17:20:00.000Z

My thoughts entirely.

My man monty

2007-01-08T22:26:00.000Z

I've refrained from saying anything about the Ashes debacle yet, so I won't. Instead I'll show you my picture of me in my Monty Panesar mask. Poor Monty. Everybody just assumed I had gone to the mask party as a terrorist. What racial stereotyping. It's disgraceful.

Ooooooh!! Lights and strobes and glitter balls!!

2007-01-08T22:19:00.000Z

Sometimes I do go raving as well. But I only go to places with loads of lights and lasers. And pounding, punding techno music. Obviously.

I've got a brand new combine harvester

2007-01-08T22:11:00.000Z

So I went to cuntry this weekend. Yarr. We traipsed around, drank, checked out Blenheim, drank, attenpted orgies, failed and drank some more. I think I'm getting old before my time.

By the way, that's me in the background of the second picture, wearing the white boiler suit. Enjoy.

Witness the fitness

2007-01-07T22:59:00.001Z

Almost as good as me. Just a little bit more practice and he'll be there.

plane: 0 gravity

2007-01-05T15:01:00.001Z

Love it

Watch it.

2007-01-03T14:31:00.000Z

I hope you all caught The Thick of It Christmas Special last night. Truly the funniest telly I have watched in years. I could barely control myself. I don't know where they get these actors from, but they're all uncannily good. And it includes the most inspired swearing I have heard.

For all my readers on the wrong side of the pond, apparently they're going to remake this for the US audience, which will undoubtedly suck dick, but I think you can catch it on BBC America, so if you come across it, I implore you to watch.

Ta.

Rapper's Delight Club

2006-12-30T17:57:00.000Z

This is one of my favourite finds of the year, but I just can't work out how to get it onto my Ipod, so if anyone has any clues, then please explain. Anyway, the Rapper's delight Club is an after school project for elementary school kids in Maryland where they lay down some raps that would shame Fiddy. My favourite is the First Ladies Anthem which you can hear by clicking here. You can also check out their Myspace here. I'll stick them on the sidebar as well.

Respeck.

The Cadillac. Part II.

2006-12-30T17:44:00.000Z

I have a horrible feeling that I might be turning into George Costanza. OK I may be short, bald and (not yet, but if I carry on at this rate of Yuletide eating) fat, but I don't think I'm Jewish. I most definitely have all of my foreskin. But I am developing quite a crush on Marisa Tomei. I just watched In The Bedroom, and I've come over all of a flutter. I must be getting old.

Bye Bye President Hussein

2006-12-30T11:36:00.000Z

I suppose I really should blog occasionally about world events and not totally gnarly big wave surfing. Dude.

Therefore it's with a mixture of emotions that I wave goodbye to His Excellency President Hussein of Iraq.

Yes, I know that he was an evil, sadistic murderer and torturer who terrorised millions and was responsible directly and indirectly for the deaths of millions more. I know that he plundered his nation's natural resources and kept his population spreadeagled under the jackboot of his regime. But I do have a soft spot for these evil dcitators. What with the death of Turkmenbashi the Great and now Saddam within a few days of each other! I suppose it's all down to Kim Jong Il now to bear the brunt of our mirth. I bet he's feeling ronery.

Luckily for Saddam he's had it all mapped out for him by Parker and Stone: Living it up in eternal damnation with The Devil as his bitch. Hell, it ain't all bad.

Travis Pastrana double back flip

2006-12-25T22:01:00.001Z

I remember the days before single backflips. How pussy were they?

Huge Surf

2006-12-25T22:00:00.003Z

And your balls man..... your ball are just THIS BIG!

Fireworks Dog

2006-12-25T22:00:00.001Z

So close to the man in white. So close.

Wayne Rooney

2006-12-25T21:59:00.001Z

As it's Christmas, I thought i'd add some of my favourite YouTube videos for your perusal. Starting with why we all love Roonaldo so much.

Winchester Joga Bonito

2006-12-23T18:18:00.001Z

This is some guys from my school showing off their skills.

Yes, I am a posh cunt, but no I didn't get fucked up the arse. Ever.

My boys

2006-12-23T18:07:00.000Z

Yes I know. I've been a very bad boy. A very, very bad boy. No blogging in weeks. No excuses, I'm just a cunt. So, I promise over this yuletide period I promise do to some serious bloggage. Starting with some pictures of my favourite boys.

Merry Crimbo.

Good times

2006-12-06T22:21:00.000Z

So this is what my friends and I get up to at the weekend. We walk down long, dark tunnels, trying to pose as if we're on an album cover. Then Paulo tries to hump a statue. Good times.

Woof!

2006-12-06T22:17:00.000Z

Here are my doggies. It's always sunny in the deep south. Look....

Top five: Bond girls

2006-11-30T13:02:00.000Z

What with Bond being in the air at the moment, and with me previously having waxed lyrical about Bond themes, it's about time I mentioned my top five Bond girls. This is obvioulsy a highly personal choice, infuenced by whether you grew up in the time of Roger or Sean, and consequently which films were on the telly on Boxing Day. So, in no particular order:

Domino (Claudine Auger): Thunderball
Tiffany Case (Jill St John): Diamonds Are Forever
Solitaire (Jane Seymour): Live and Let Die
Pam Bouvier (Cary Lowell): Licence to Kill
Natalya Simonva (Isabella Scorupco): Goldeneye

I am pained to have to leave out Goodnight (Britt Ekland), Agent XXX (Barbara Bach) and Tracy DiVicenzo (Diana Rigg), but I'm almost as ruthless as the man himself.

Shit-giving? Niet.

2006-11-28T17:51:00.000Z

I really like the Russian's style. Obviously they're the world leaders in not giving a shit. Do they give a shit about assassinating nay-sayers with some military-grade radioactive material? No. Do they give a shit about about the 15,000 people who have died in the last couple of months from illegally stilled moonshine? Pah! That's an excuse to nationalise vodka again and control the price. And does Gazprom give a shit about obliterating the skyline of St. Petersburg, one of the world's most unspoilt cities, with a 300 metre tower? What do you think.

But at least when they do decide to build a skyscraper they've got balls. If you're going to go big, why not really make a statement instead of chickening out (ahem, Ground Zero)? Whichever of these designs they do build, it will blow away all competition. Personally I like coiling snakes tower, but I think the bunch of sugar cubes could be pretty amazing too.

Dream woman (on the left)

2006-11-27T18:33:00.000Z

I love pikey chic. Kate Moss truly is the new Queen of Chavs.

Ha!

2006-11-24T11:58:00.000Z

Women drivers eh. They're all the same.

This is only a trough.

2006-11-24T11:48:00.000Z

Look what happens when you neglect your blog. Your readership drops off like a stone. Lesson learnt. I'm going to pull it back. I'm going to give them what they want. Tales of depravity. Endless witticisms. Rants. You want it, you got it.

Inspirational posters

2006-11-24T11:37:00.000Z

This is how I live my life.

Oooooohh........

2006-11-24T11:03:00.000Z

Just to remind you all how amazing the Cloud Appreciation Society is.

Mammals rock!

2006-11-24T10:40:00.000Z

What could be cooler than an elephant foetus? Surely not a dolphin foetus? Why has nobody thought of doing this before. Now, a whale foetus, that I would like to see.

The Axis cometh

2006-11-24T10:30:00.000Z

Big props to the Axis of Evil for finally triumphing in the quest to be crowned Champions of the Eagle Pub Quiz. Ta-daa. You can follow their progress at their blog, which has been kept secret from the world, but has now been unleashed in all its glory. Congrats homies (but remember, you wouldn't have got there without the knowledge that I was only one text message away).

It's almost all over....

2006-11-17T12:44:00.000Z

Last night the UK aired the last episode of Season 6 (Part1) of The Sopranos (well done AJ by the way). That means that there are only 6 more episodes to come. Ever. And when that happens there will be a huge void in my life. I can't see anything ever matching up to this program for sheer sustained brilliance of writing, acting, humour and violence. What more does a privileged, middle-class, white, English boy need to fulfill his fantasies of being a fat, white-trash, balding, sociopathic, murdering mafiosi? Oh to be a Soprano....

The reason I haven't been blogging

2006-11-13T22:44:00.000Z

I'm so sorry that I've been slack and not blogged recently, but it's quite difficult when you've been spending your time in a wee cottage, miles from civilisation with no electricity, and certainly no t'internet. But at least Scotland is incredibly beautiful, we got to wear boiler suits on a regular basis, and checked out some fine examples of medieval castle design. If you look closely enough you can even see a rare picture of yours truly. I think that's a first for the Legitimate Front. Man, I must be in a giving mood today.

Tonight's the night

2006-11-03T11:42:00.000Z

I'm so excited I can barely hold myself together. Nelly has very generously paid for a group outing to see Borat tonight. I knew his Scottishness couldn't last forever. I fully expect to pee my pants.

Madonna's Baby

2006-11-03T11:37:00.000Z

Apparently he wears Kabbala bracelets and all.

Hubble Bubble toil and trouble

2006-11-01T22:05:00.000Z

Got to give some love to the Hubble telescope before they send the suicide mission to repair it. If Bruce Willis and Ben Cuntfleck were in charge I wouldn't be nervous, but NASA......

2006-10-28T10:32:00.000+01:00

What is this pelican doing eating a pigeon. Doesn't it know that it is pheasant season at the moment? I mean really, where did it school?

2006-10-28T10:31:00.000+01:00

the touch

"Do you think the bass is taking away from the vocals?" Ha! I love it.

2006-10-28T10:24:00.000+01:00

Boogie Nights - Dirk Diggler Montage

"Reed Rothschild's stiff biceps do a slapping good job on Becky Barnett's supple ass" Genius. When my parents lived in California their friends had a flashing dancefloor in the basement. I was conceived in that era. I feel like I share something with Dirk Diggler.

Happy snaps

2006-10-25T21:37:00.000+01:00

Just click on these pictures to see what the Space Shuttle launch looks like from space. It's damn lucky that those astronauts in the Space Station remembered their cameras. Incredible to think that this is alledgedly all made in a back-lot of Warner Brothers. That must be what James Cameron has been doing all these years.

Jagshemesh

2006-10-24T23:15:00.000+01:00

Obviously Borat had to turn up to the premiere of his movie in a top of the range limo. I can't fucking wait.

2006-10-22T19:50:00.000+01:00

I'm reading The Fight by Norman Mailer at the moment which is about the Ali/Foreman 1975 Rumble in the Jungle. It makes you realise quite what an amazing aura Ali had, and how enigmatic his personality was. He's not my favourite sportsman of all time, not even my favourite boxer (Tyson if you want know), but he is the subject of my favourite sports photo of all time.

Both of these images are by Neil Leiter, and although the bottom picture of Ali flooring Sonny Liston is justly hung on the bedroom wall's of students the world over, it is the top image of Ali knocking out Cleveland Williams that I really love. He is just spreadeagled so perfectly, there is no clutter from sponsors' logos and it really sums up how prizefighters are at the centre of this huge circus. Great stuff.

2006-10-22T11:49:00.000+01:00

Jets doing a fly-by insanely low

As you can probably tell, I've just discovered how to post videos to my blog. This one needs the sound on as well.

Yes, Iano and I were trying to find videos of plane crashes. We are sick fucks.

2006-10-22T11:46:00.000+01:00

plane crashes into kid

Iano and I spent all of Saturday watching YouTube and eventually came up with this little gem. Watching it with the sound on is essential. Enjoy.

Halloween costume

2006-10-19T14:25:00.000+01:00

Them Yanks really know how to go all out for Halloween. This bog costume would definitely screw your kid up for life.

Happy Birthday Chuck

2006-10-18T14:47:00.000+01:00

Chuck Berry is 80 years old today. Yes, I assumed he was dead too, but I'd like to raise a glass to the fantastic news that he is still alive. Just think: without him, Marty McFly would still be stuck in 1955.

BEST. NEWS. EVER.

2006-10-18T14:26:00.000+01:00

Petra Nemcova has dumped James Blunt for being a cheating little cunt. There is a God!

My new favourite website

2006-10-18T12:20:00.000+01:00

I've recently discovered my new favourite website: Pandora. It's completely amazing. Basically it allows you to create your own radio stations playing music that it knows that you will like. For example, if you select Britney Spears, it will start playing tracks by Britney and other artists like her. If you select Thievery Corporation it will play a selection of blunted beats and downtempo bullshit. And the best bit is, it's all for free. Check, check.

Glug glug

2006-10-18T11:20:00.000+01:00

When I own my own winery I want it to look like the Marques de Riscal winery in Spain designed by Frank Gehry. Or he could just make me a new house.

Animania

2006-10-18T11:11:00.000+01:00

I've only got a brief window at work to post, so I thought I'd put up these lovely piccies. No idea why the font is underlined but fuck it. Anyway, two of my favourites: hound and pachyderm. People say I look a bit like an elephant. I can't see it myself, but I think it's something to do with my hair.

Movies I am excited about: 8

2006-10-11T22:39:00.000+01:00

This is some concept art from 300 which is taken from a Frank Miller graphic novel about the battle of Thermopylae. In case any of you fucking philistines don't know what happened there, 7,000 Greeks managed to hold off a Persian army of hundred of thousands (Herodotus puts the Persians as numbering 5,283,220). Eventually the Greek king Leonidas, with his trusty bodyguard of 300 Spartans, made one famous last stand to royally shit the Persians up and save Greece. Hard. You can check the trailer here

Movies I am excited about: 7

2006-10-11T22:34:00.000+01:00

No it most certainly ain't all over till it's over. Sly is back! And he's going to get his fucking head kicked in. Yes!

Movies I am excited about: 6

2006-10-11T22:31:00.000+01:00

What's not to love? West African despots. Leonardo DiCaprio. Diamonds. Blood. I rest my case.

The pikey cheek

2006-10-11T22:01:00.000+01:00

Last weekend some fucking pikey children rang the door bell and shouted "trick or treat". On the fucking 6th of October! How cheeky is that? I had a good mind to tell them where to go, but then I remembered that pikeys are poor, so I told Paulo to give them 5p. They were very pleased and didn't throw any bricks through the window. Oh the humanity.

He's ronerey

2006-10-11T21:41:00.000+01:00

Just had to give some serious props to my favourite despot: the one, the onry, Kim Jong Illlllllllllllll. Who needs friends when you've got nukes eh?

My late summer

2006-10-11T21:12:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry that I have been posting so sporadically lately (again), but I've recently moved desks at work, and am now in full view of precisely everybody in the office. Bummer. But I also haven't uploaded any photos for donkeys years either, so I thought I'd show you lot what I've been doing with my life over the end of the summer.

Obviously I went raving which was great..............

........I also played some very bad cricket (out second ball on this occasion; that's not me by the way).......

......I went and checked out some Hawksmoor churches (tilt your head)..........

.......I did some nice country house weekenders..........

.......Looked after my doggies........

.......and tried to grow a beard (failed spectacularly).

Ha!

2006-10-01T21:30:00.000+01:00

I always thought that being a javeline judge looked like an accident waiting to happen.

My future self

2006-10-01T21:16:00.000+01:00

I'm thinking that maybe I should really work on my 'tache-growing skills, let my hair get long, and then maybe I can be as cool as this guy.

That's me you know

2006-10-01T20:48:00.000+01:00

I ended up going to the B party as a bedouin by the way. It's a timeless classic.

I wholeheartedly agree

2006-09-28T09:37:00.000+01:00

My good buddy Lars-Eric sent me this picture, which I think just about sums up my views on God. Click on the photo if you can't read the storefront.

Beardy wierdy

2006-09-28T09:13:00.001+01:00

Yo. I'm on holiday at the moment, dog-sitting and watching a lot of DVDs, so I thought that it would only be sensible if I tried to grow a beard for the first time in years, and may I tell you, it is harder than it looks. I am now ten days into this marathon non-shaving effort, and I have until Monday morning until I'll have to shave it off for work, and already it is getting unbearably skanky. I've been told that in order to really get a proper beard, you have to push on through for a month. Man, I just want to get rid of this scraggly thing, but I'm going to do it. I haven't put my mind to anything for ages, so I think I need to put myself through a little hardship for no gain whatsoever. But at least I might get a 'tache out of it at the end (I wish). The big test will be Saturday night when I have three parties to go to. There's not much chance of me getting laid looking like this, but hey, what's new? Actually, I need some help from my loyal readers. The first party that I am going to on Saturday is a fancy dress party with a 'B' theme. I was thinking of maybe going as Bananaman, but has anybody else got any ideas?

My new comedy hero

2006-09-25T12:37:00.000+01:00

Why do we not get this guy over here? Dane Cook's Tom Cruise impression is fucking genius.

Top five: things I want to see

2006-09-22T17:09:00.000+01:00

Amazingly, even though I am completely spolit, and tend to live a life of leisure, I have not been everywhere, and there are still some things that I haven't seen. I'm going to have to get on with it, because it's been a while since I went abroad, but there are a few places or sites that I absolutely have to see. For the moment these five are heading my list, but i'm sure I could dream up a few more at a moment's notice. In no particular order:

The Aurora Borealis
The Shwedagon Pagoda, Rangoon
Antarctica (any of it)
Tokyo
The karst mountains of Guilin

Tony's home

2006-09-22T16:01:00.000+01:00

I have managed to track down Tony Soprano's house on Google Maps. Not that I want to stalk him or anything. Have a look here.

Guuuuuuurrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

2006-09-21T18:40:00.000+01:00

Iano and Thomas went to Thorpe Park the other day and acted like complete pussies. Look at those babies screaming their little heads off. Actually that's some pretty seriously good grinning. Me jealous.

Aboot, aboot, aboot.

2006-09-21T15:05:00.000+01:00

Wow aren't Canadians just so funny?

No. Now fuck off and be sensible.

Bum alert

2006-09-20T22:14:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when you see a tramp passed out in a doorway you've just got to do the right thing and grab the photo opportunity.

Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2006-09-19T10:27:00.000+01:00

Today me hearties be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Shiver me timbers!. Yarr. I want ye all to have a tot of grog and walk the plank to oblivion.

Doppelganger alert

2006-09-12T21:41:00.002+01:00

I always knew Ian Bell reminded me of someone, and here it is: Brian from the Backstreet Boys. Man it's uncannny. OK, no more cricket for a while. I know nobody is quite as obsessed by it as me.

September the 12th

2006-09-12T15:12:00.000+01:00

So it was exactly 1 year ago that England won back the Ashes and the crowd went wild. It's only 72 days until it all starts again, and please, please let me see the Aussies looking this glum again:

Revenge!

2006-09-12T14:40:00.000+01:00

It looks like Stingrays are getting a bit of retribution from Steve Irwin's crazy fans. Since his death, 10 stingrays have been found mutilated on Queensland's beaches, some with their barbs cut off. Australians are just plain wierd. Apparently they wanted to give Steve Irwin a state funeral. Please get some fucking perspective.

Burn up

2006-09-12T12:33:00.000+01:00

I suppose I have to go to the Burning Man Festival one day. Even though that top photo does look like a suspicious amount of poi which I might have trouble with. There are just too many hippies in the world for my liking, and they always seem to pitch up at the wicked places that I hope to colonise with people like me. NOT fucking unwashed, dreadlocked, poi-twirling, tie dye wearing idiots. I suppose they're better than pikeys though. Now, a hippie versus pikey fight...... That I would pay to watch.

Endless summer

2006-09-12T09:51:00.000+01:00

I know I have been lame with my posting recently, so again I apologise, but today I'll make up for it and blog something silly.

Although its trying its hardest to stay warm, I'm going to just reminisce about the summer we've had this year. 30 degrees througout June and July, no rain for months on end, and Hyde Park looking like a desert. What's not to love?

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

2006-09-04T14:34:00.000+01:00

Continuing the animal theme today, it looks like the panda population is picking up. The stupid balls of fluff have must at last have worked out how to fuck. Or maybe those smiling chinese just do it for them.

And whilst we're on the subject............

2006-09-04T14:30:00.000+01:00

Strewth mate! I think I fucked it.

2006-09-04T14:14:00.000+01:00

I haven't posted for a little while which I am most sorry about, but I realised that I just couldn't ignore the demise of Australia's greatest export. I suppose it was inevitable that Steve Irwin would die in the line of duty, but I bet he's pissed off that he got killed by a fucking fish. Admittedly it was quite a mean fish, but come on, wouldn't you rather be mauled by a lion, or at the very least a pack of koalas? Well, he had a good run at least. So here's to you Steve, and in your honour I've added a picture of this cuddly little fella. And a tiger cub.

THIS is the King of Beers.

2006-08-27T13:25:00.000+01:00

How Budweiser can have the cheek to call itself the King of Beers is beyond me. If you want the greatest beer in the world, then look no further than the amber nectar: Beer Lao. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Top five: karaoke songs

2006-08-27T12:53:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was meant to be a day off from the drinking, especially as I am going to Carnival today, but obviously when somebody mentioned the possibility of karaoke in the afternoon, the alcoholic tendencies kicked in. And what's the best way to fuel an afternoon of bingeing and singing? Why, a bucket of Sam Song of course. If you've never had this drink of kings, then you don't know what to is to get truly turbo-charged drunk. Drunk with ice, coke and Red Bull from a single bucket, through straws, it's a nice social beverage (as illustrated above).

So, nicely lubricated, we made our way to Lucky Voice Karaoke and all hell broke loose. This place is dangerous. In each booth they have a button on the wall which brings you more beers and shots. Needless to say it got pressed. But at least we did some epic singing. And therefore, here are my top five tunes for belting out when singing karaoke. In no particular order:

New York, New York
Ice Ice Baby
Parklife
My Way
Suspicious Minds

As promised

2006-08-23T21:03:00.000+01:00

I said that I would publish lots of pictures of The Secret Garden Party, so here we are. Amazingly, like Glade, the two words that would best sum up the weekend are:

Confusion and Balloons.

Apart from that the standard of girlies was completely out of control, but I made the rookie error of getting too fucked to chirps. Gutted. But at least there was badminton, hula hoops, boat rides and the bathroom of doom. I suppose you just had to be there......

Things I like

2006-08-18T09:43:00.000+01:00

I actually started a wee notebook last year which I was meant to fill with all the things I like, but obviously I only did it for about ten minutes. Anyway, it still made me feel good, so here are a few of the things I like:

Still being drunk when you wake up
Conkers
Laughing gas
Lists
Eva Longoria
Pefecting my handwriting
Talking about getting whores in
Prince Phileep
Free DVDs
Tigers
Power showers
Slam door trains
Seinfeld
Moustaches
Bust a move
Isabella
Tanned skin
Blossom
Pub quizzes
Laughing until you cry and you give your stomach muscles a right proper workout
Goran Ivanisevic's Wimbledon victory
Double entendres
Ray Wilkins
Watching Iano watch Scotland play any sport
Schadenfraude
Playing with my sister's kids
Spiderwebs
Singing in the shower
Nuclear explosions
Slagging off Darren Fletcher

That made me feel good. See you later.

Down at the bottom of the garden.....

2006-08-18T09:28:00.000+01:00

I'm off to the Secret Garden Party this weekend, so you may not hear from me for a few days, even though I haven't exactly been posting on a regular basis this week. I actually have to do some work occasionally, which is a shame. Anyway, I'll be sure tot ake loads of photos, and showyou how all the hippy chicks were looking.

A sensible idea? How dare they?

2006-08-15T18:10:00.000+01:00

What is this? A company wants to make no money for itself? It wants to give all of its profits to people who need it? This can't be right. Normally I turn my nose up at bottled water, because it is one of the world's biggest rip-offs, but Belu is different. The bottles are even made from corn, and are therefore biodegradable. Crumbs. Blimey. Yegads. Somebody get these people a drink.

Movies I am excited about: 5

2006-08-12T17:23:00.000+01:00

Paulo and I saw this at the cinema today. How amazing can you get?

In a deep, gravelly voice:

COSTNER. KUTCHER. The Guardian.

This has got Oscar written all over it.

Grousing? You lucky cunt

2006-08-11T14:26:00.000+01:00

Bloody good show what? It's the glorious 12th tomorrow. Let's all go and bag us some fucking grouse. Fnarr! Fnarr!

I've never actually shot anything in my life (apart from a chicken with an AK-47, but that's a different story), and I think it's mainly because it is done by complete nob-jockeys like the ones you see above. The only reason they do it is to broker deals, and show off their guns. Oooh! How macho must you feel to shoot some nice fattened bird that can barely fly and is driven, along with all of its dozens of equally fat friends straight into your killing zone? When my friend Paulo got to university, in his first week he was in a car with a couple of utter fuckwits. Already regretting ever having been forced to meet these 'tards, he was forced to listen as one of them took a call on his speakerphone. It went something like this:

"Hello mate."
"Hello Bunty. What are you doing this weekend?"
"I'm just going up to Bertie's estate to do a bit of grousing."
"Grousing? You lucky cunt."

Paulo almost slit his wrists there and then.

If you're going to kill something at least let it involve an actual hunt, and at the very least it should be endangered . Siberian tiger is my particular favourite.

Movies I'm excited about: 3

2006-08-10T14:24:00.000+01:00

Anyone who knows me also knows that I am quite the movie geek, and that I particularly like watching obscure oriental films. Recent Asian classics that you should see include Oldboy, 2046 and In The Mood For Love. All this stems from a love of Hong Kong cinema, and even though I have my time for Jackie Chan and Chow Yun Fat, neither of them compares to the master: Tony Leung. He just exudes cool, and nobody in the world can pull off a pencil moustache like him. One of his finest movies of recent years was Infernal Affairs which is now being remade by Martin Scorcese as The Departed. In the original, Tony Leung plays a cop undercover in the Triads, and Andy Lau plays a Triad working as a mole in the police department. Slowly they close in on each other until all hell breaks loose. This remake transposes the crime to Boston, where Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon take on the parts of cop/villain and villain/cop with Jack Nicholson as the crime lord, Martin Sheen the police chief and Mark Whalberg just loitering somewhere as well. It will undoubtedly be either epically cool or a right mess. Let's hope for the former, although with Scorcese's recent track record, I'm not too sure.

Smoke it up, beatch.

2006-08-09T14:49:00.000+01:00

Now these guys have got the right idea. There may be a war on, but that's not going to stop The Pipe Club of Lebanon having a good time. This from their founder Paul Jahshan:

"The Pipe Club of Lebanon would like to make a call for papers for the second issue of its journal, due September 15. The theme will be, appropriately, War and the Pipe Smoker. Possible ideas are: pipe smoking and war; pipe smoking and conflict situations; pipe smoking and peace; stories of pipe smoking in times of war; pipes surviving wars; the symbolism of the pipe as it relates to conflict situations; etc. Submissions should be between 500 and 1,500 words in length and may contain illustrations."

At last somebody's got their fucking priorities right.

Timaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!

2006-08-07T23:06:00.000+01:00

I realised that I have never posted a picture of myself on this blog, so I created a likeness over at the South Park Studio. Now this might possibly be one of the greatest websites known to man. The possibilities are endless. I implore you to check it out. Anyhow, as you can see, my tan is really coming on. Pity my hair isn't quite that thick and lustrous.

Chirpsing dem yats

2006-08-07T14:35:00.000+01:00

My new favourite summer pastime is chirpsing yats. Obviously as I'm from West London I'm down with the street speak, and in my perpetual quest to pass myself off as common, I thought I had better perfect my chirpsing technique. Unfortuntately I can never remember what my technique is, as I'm usually far too battered to know what I have been saying to warrant getting their attention in the first place. If anyone has actually witnessed me pulling off what Paulo calls "all the moves" then I'd love to know what drivel I come out with when trying to impress the ladies. I know it can't be good.

He ain't nothing but a hound dog

2006-08-04T14:31:00.000+01:00

Barney the doberman was supposed to be guarding a collection of rare teddies at Wookey Hole caves in Somerset this week, but went beserk for ten minutes before he could be brought under control. "Up to 100 bears were involved in the massacre" Daniel Medley, general manager of Wookey Hole Caves, said last night. "It was a dreadful scene." Amongst these was Mabel, Elvis Presley's favourite bear, worth £40,000. "We have asked the security firm not to send us that dog again," Mr Medley said. "I really don't want to see anything bigger than a Jack Russell."

This story cracks me up. It was page 3 in The Times, on the BBC main page and basically picked up by every major news source in this country. I just love to picture this dog rampaging for 10 fucking minutes. I bets its owner ran out to get his camera, thinking "there's gold in them, there, teddy-destruction photos". And what a photo it is. Ha.

Gotta love pikeys

2006-08-01T23:37:00.000+01:00

Kids just have so much time on their hands nowadays. When they're not impregnating each other and sniffing glue, they're trying to get first place in the Darwin Awards with completely idiotic scooter stunts. Believe.

We're not in Kansas anymore.

2006-08-01T23:27:00.001+01:00

A couple of years ago I was chatting to this girl I was semi-obsessed by and mentioned how I had never seen a double rainbow, and didn't believe that they actually existed. The very next day I saw one and managed to get photographic evidence. Unfortunately it wasn't quite as perfect a composition as this one, but hey, you'd have to live in Kansas to take it so, every cloud..........

Wrong on so many levels.

2006-08-01T23:24:00.000+01:00

I really don't know what to add to this one.

Evil Dead: The Musical

2006-07-28T10:45:00.000+01:00

Now, as I'm sure you can probably tell, musical theatre is not my favourite past-time. I think I was scarred by playing the Barrister Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz and a nun in the Sound of Music before I hit puberty. That's all boys schools for you. But I think I'll make an exception for what will surely prove to be the greatest theatrical experience in the history of mankind: Evil Dead: The Musical. It will include numbers such as "All the Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons" and "What the Fuck Was That?" I'm going to use a word that is used far too often to describe this idea, but right now I think it is apt: Genius. Cunts.

Big fucking hole

2006-07-27T22:27:00.000+01:00

I flagrantly nicked this from popbitch but I'm a sucker for massive holes, and this one comes from East Siberia. This is actually only the second biggest hole in the world. The largest is, of course, Liverpool.

Movies I'm excited about: 2

2006-07-25T17:22:00.000+01:00

Whilst the Yanks have Michael Mann-directed, uber-slick cop film Miami Vice to show how great their pigs are, we have Simon Pegg in Hot Fuzz, his follow-up to Shaun of the Dead. In it Pegg plays a top London cop who gets reassigned to a sleepy Devon village where all hell breaks loose amongst the village fetes and WI meetings. Now that's more like it. Proper British small-town violence. Hopefully there'll be loads of bottlings and kerbings from the pikeys.

Top five: cereals

2006-07-25T16:17:00.000+01:00

I had some Special K the other day for the first time in ages, which at the time was rather surprising, but in hindsight I think it was a good thing. It got me thinking about my top five cereals, so in no particular order, here they are:

Weetabix
Raisin Bran
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Frosties

I know that in England we call Raisin Bran Sultana Bran, but when I first used to eat it my siblings were still American, until it was beaten out of them, and that is what we called it in my household. Thinking about it though, there are actually surprisingly few decent cereals out there. I think I've probably eaten Weetabix fairly solidly every day for about the last 12 years now. Maybe it's time to branch out.

Movies I'm excited about: 1

2006-07-21T15:43:00.000+01:00

I am pissing myself with excitement about Miami Vice. It is going to be so ridiculously over-styled and brooding that I can't fucking wait. Michael Mann directing, a washed-up Colin Farrel, and if we're lucky Phil Collins will be singing In the Air Tonight in the background. Come on.